Mandy's (one of my best friends from childhood) father passed away this week and the funeral was yesterday. It's strange how funerals affect me. Sometimes, like with my Aunt Dee -- even though we were having a Celebration of Life -- I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. I guess I still am. I haven't even taken her number out of my phone and it's been over a year. She still has a spot on my email list. I still struggle and some days are better than others.
But this funeral got me thinking. Mandy's sisters stood up and spoke about their father and what a rock he was -- what a spiritual guide he had been. The whole time they (mostly the middle sister) spoke, I just sat there and wondered what I would say at my own father's funeral. What do you say about the man who signed away his parental rights to you and your brother at ages 11 and 8? What can you say about the man who promised he was different and basically did the same thing 20 years later? The man who can make tears come to my eyes by random thought of how he has hurt me by hurting my children. The same man who has chosen his 5th wife over his own children and grandchildren.
I have no words. I try not to think about it often. My kiddos have one constant grandparent in their lives and that is my mom. Dusty's dad (God rest his soul) was taken from Dusty when he was only 5. His mom is MIA. That leaves my mom. And she is a wonderful, crazy, fun, sassy, silly Nannie! I lean on her more than I should -- but sometimes I think she likes it. Even though I'm all grown up (with a 13 year old!!!) she likes to know that I still need her!
Okay, enough rambling. It's late and I probably shouldn't have even started this post, but sometimes this is when my "deep" thinking. When there are no kids running around me, no phone ringing, no husband telling me that there is NOTHING to snack on. :)
About Me
- Nikki
- I aspire to be great at something. Not being the best wife my husband has, because let's face it... I'm his only wife. Of course I'm the best. Not being the best mom to my kids, because again, I'm the only one they have. I don't have to compete for best daughter because my mom only has one. I aspire to be a great photographer. I want to learn more, experience more, and live more. I aspire to be the best family historian I can be. This is my journey. It's my life.
1 comments:
Sorry you are feeling a little sad. :( Death is such a hard thing to deal with - especially when you are very close. Even though it's very hard to lose people, I guess the thing we really need to remember is that although they are gone from this life, they are not 'gone' and are in fact in a much happier, better place. It's so hard to imagine that when we miss them so bad, but I really do know that to be true! So just remember - if you look at it from an eternal perspective, it really won't be all that long that you are seperated from all your loved ones. :) Something else to consider is that sometimes people go before what we consider 'their time' because they can better help their loved ones from the other side than they can if they were here. Just trust that God has a hand in all things & though we can't understand it while we are here, there is a bigger picture that one day we will understand perfectly.
And as far as your dad goes, it's really sad that he is missing out on having such a wonderful person in his life! My dad has never really been involved either (not to the same extent as yours it sounds like, because we do have a bit of contact with him) & I think the most helpful thing is to just continue doing what you are already doing - shift your focus to your mom & the wonderful mother & grandmother she is. Until you dad gets his priorities straight, he doesn't deserve the energy it takes to be bothered about him. (I know, easier said than done, right?!)
How's that for a book of a response?! I hope you have a wonderful day & a great weekend! :)
{{Hugs}}
Michelle
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